French Stick

So David Cameron stood up to the French over the Eurozone crisis did he?

Bollox! I don’t know why we don’t just settle things the old fashioned way by invading each other’s countries and hacking lumps out of each other with badly made, bladed weapons for the best part of a century.

Not now, Dave! I'm decorating the nursery...

OK, so maybe in the light of public reaction to the recent wars in the Gulf, European stomachs may not be as strong as they once were. But perhaps our respective leaders could engage in some sort of contest on our behalf.

Single combat seems to be ruled out by the fact that the Frenchman is a midget and our guy is a public school toff whose hands have never done anything rougher than yank down his posh wife’s agent provocateurs after a night on the Pimms with Boris and Ozzy. But that gives me an idea.

Big Dave’s obvious height advantage favours a pissing contest, though if it was their countries’ cash and not the contents of their respective bladders, Sarkozy would win hands down when it came to spunking that up a wall.

Alternatively, we could send the England Rugby team over with William Hague. Those mannerless thugs could stand at the end of a Calais pier with Little Bill, Sarkozy and Angela Merkel. The nationality of the dwarf that gets flung the farthest gets to run Europe forever.